5 Brands I’d Never Be Seen Dead In

I make no pretence about being an immensely snobby and critical sort of chap when it comes to other people’s dress sense. I happily make wild aspersions on people I have never spoken to, sat metres away from me in pubs or on trains, based on their misguided or down right ridiculous dress sense.

Do I care? Do I fuck.

With that in mind I thought I’d kick off my new blog with the 5 brands that I wouldn’t be seen dead in…

1. Superdry

The epitome of mundaneness and a huge lack of imagination or style. The sort of thing a 35 year old IT consultant who thinks 3 or 4 pints of Strongbow is having a ‘mad one’ wears to convince himself that he isn’t an utterly worthless, boring cunt. Meaningless Japanese lettering and row after row of the same BLOODY jacket with zips where there is no need for a zip. How creative. Not to mention their horrific ‘hoodies.’ No grown man should ever really be seen wearing a hoody unless in a sporting context, or potentially a serious state of relaxation. Superdry is the uniform of a drone army of vacuous students and ‘young professionals’ who are mind-numbingly dull, incapable of doing anything remotely dangerous, exciting or illegal and have wet dreams about buying their next sofa from DFS.

2. Lyle & Scott

Now some may be surprised by this as Lyle & Scott are consider by many to be a pretty decent brand, with tradition and style, that produce some quality gear. However, although I don’t have a huge problem with some of their clothing… I can’t help find it all rather middle of the road and dull. Plus… and this is not necessarily their fault, but about 5 years ago it seemed to be adopted as the brand of choice by absolute wankers. Spikey haired ‘wide boy’ pricks from places like Essex and Kidderminster would sport a Lyle & Scott jumper along with jeans that had more pockets than stitches, terrible trainers and enough gel to drown Peter Andre.

Lyle & Scott boss Derek Campbell told a stunned audience at an industry conference in London in 2009 that he would torch about 20,000 sweaters rather than allow the label to be sullied in discount stores or street markets. Looks to me like you’d better get the matches out Derek.

Heidi Range and Dave Berry

If Dave Berry wears it…

3. Peaceful Hooligan

I almost feel a bit sorry for Peaceful Hooligan, I’m sure the intention was good and I can imagine I would have had some admiration for the name initially, but they should have seen it coming. The brand has naturally been adopted by 4 pint hooligans and nobody’s who are drawn to the word hooligan and haven’t got the individuality or stylistic thought to look beyond the pretty safe and standard “lad look” that Peaceful Hooligan purvey.


4. G-Star Raw

I don’t know if I even need to explain this one do I? To coin the phrase of a good friend of mine… ‘shit for cunts.’ And by that I mean usually people who work in finance but think because they have some Kanye West on their iPod (yes iPod) that they are a bit urban.

5. Voi Jeans

The brand of choice for boy racers and wannabe ‘grime artists’ from Milton Keynes. Another favourite of the shit catalogues. If you want to look like everyone else, and let on that you’re a bit skint but wanted some new clothes… buy Voi.

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