You should have become quite familiar now with the fact that I have quite a lot of irrational hatreds, and Converse trainers are one of them. I think one of the drivers of my contempt for converse is the fact that I’m probably seen as the sort of person who should like them, and I hate being obvious. I’m contrary like that.
But many people would probably look at me and think, he’s a bit “alternative” which is an awful word in itself. They’d probably think, I like my music, I like my clothes, I must have a pair of Converse. Because for some unbeknown reason Converse trainers seem to be the hallmark or badge of honour for so called “alternative” and “indie” types. They’re “cool.” Except they’re not, not in my eyes.
They are in fact an “alternative uniform.” About as homogenous as you can get. They are worn by the sort of people who want to be alternative and think they are indie but deep down still listen to Radio 1 and largely buy compilations because they have an absolute inability to think for themselves.
They are worn by the sort of girls who wear neon tutus and face paint to go to “raving” to Avicii. The kind of guys who wear them on dress down Fridays at their Canary Wharf job and go to V Festival. They are worn by those poor kids who still like pop punk. They are seen as a sign of standing out from the crowd, where as in fact all they do is help you join one.
Now, before you accuse me of being snobbish, mean and churlish of which I am all those things, I actually think they also look fucking horrible. They look like clown shoes to me. All long and clumpy. By all accounts they aren’t very waterproof and fall apart easily. Not to mention all the hideous “quirky” variations you get them in. Oh look, I’m so mad me, I have fucking ugly pink shoes. Have you seen these? The right one has the stars of the American flag on, and the left one has the stripes! How quirky! Oh fuck off. How old are you?
Obviously I don’t really give a fuck what you wear on your feet, but next time you are considering a pair of converse, can I remind you of the following sort of images…